Are snails & slugs capable of rape!

An investigative report on court proceedings by Robbin Maidenhoods.

YES! Said Lady Bird! Yes, I saw it all happen, I was sitting on a leaf just above the spot! She was tripping along minding her own business when he came tearing along and took a flying leap on to her from behind – poor dear – she didn’t have a chance! I watched for quite some time, moving from leaf to leaf, seeing her suffer in silence as this brute monstered her! When it was all over she just lay there! He lay along side her, seemingly unconscious – she must have laid him out with a pebble or something. So traumatic for me to have to watch! Shocking!

Rolf Redback Yeh! Well I saw it all, gave me quite a start it did! They blundered into one of the main anchorages of me web. I was dozin’ with only some of me eyes open and I saw her come along, he had been there quietly grazin’ for some time. She cut across his bow so to speak an stopped suddenly an’ nibbled on a piece of pollen. I couldn’t help but know that it was last year’s – stale as hell! The poor sod didn’t have a chance of stoppin’ – banged right into her shell an’ she fell over on her side. He kept on going an’ fell right on top of her – couldn’t help it, it wasn’t his fault. They just sort of lay there together for a while an’ then I noticed that they were both movin’. Kept it up for quite a while an’ moved about a bit, then in the end they went off together. Couldn’t help but notice that she had one of her eye stalks wrapped around one of his. Yeah.

Will Worm Well yes, they actually both fell on top of me as I was unloading a cast of soil – good stuff you know, I can put you on to the bloke I work for, he packages it up and sells it to gardeners. I naturally wondered what was going on and pulled off to one side and watched for a bit. Bit strange you know – we don’t have anything to do with that sort of thing. It seemed that they were both enjoying it though, but I got bored after watching for a while – had a few more loads to get out you know.

Melody Snail (the complainant) I remember that it was a lovely day and I was singing – so happy to be alive! I was snailing happily along, swaying a little maybe. I had noticed this guy, next thing I know he has charged into me knocking me over – I was absolutely terrified! Nothing like this had ever happened to me before. I tried to cry out but all I could do was moan. I must have blacked out. When I came to he was laying there along side of me – I can’t really be sure that it was the same snail! I have to admit that I have shared a leaf with him a few times since.

The Accused Well Yer ’Onor, I remember it all a bit differently! I was mindin’ me own business, eating quietly when this sheila cuts across in front of me, wrigglin’ her shell, an’ stops Bloody Dead! I hit her square on an’ she fell over on her side, me foot went straight over the top of her, an’ I did notice a bit of shakin’ an’ stuff going on for a while. I must have dropped off after that – probably partly stunned. She didn’t seem to be upset at the time – actually took me off to a good patch of lettuce. I don’t really know what this is all about.
Melody’s maiden Aunt (character witness)

Melody was always a lovely girl, so graceful, left a beautiful trail. I just do not believe all these tales of bad girls – it’s them men, they think of nothing else – it’s a small wonder that more of us are not molested! Of course I have always been careful, stuck to my own small patch of grass – never left a trail! Stayed inside my shell unless it was absolutely necessary to venture out, then only for as long as it took! It’s a terrible world out there, that’s the reason I decided long ago not to become involved with men and bring more girls into the world to face these terrible persons.

Melody’s Mother (in fairyland!) Well, I haven’t seen Melody for some time, she’s been living away from home, studying for some degree or something. She’s a modern girl, knows how to take care of herself. I pity the rotten male that tries to take advantage of her!

Interviews outside of courthouse after case hearing

Old Sam Snail I still venture out after a good rain in the hope that I will run into a fresh female, there’s plenty of ’em about! Yeah, I know it’s risky, a lot of me mates both male and female have gone under the gardener’s boot. But I figure it’s worth it, can’t say that the thought of goin’ locked together like that worries me much!

Speedy Snail I think they look for it! You see them all the time – swayin’ their shell an’ wrigglin’ their foot, leaving sexy trails all over the place. A young bloke like me has feelins’ you know. When you pull up along side of them, they only have to crack you on the eye stalk an’ you get the message. Not all of ’em do, they curl back one eye lookin’ down, but the other one is givin’ you the old once over! Next thing you know, they are rubbin’ their shell against you, an’ nibblin’ at your eye stalks – fair gives you a turn it does! I feel that this rape thing has got out of hand – it’s us blokes that are the ones who often suffer!

Another Court, another day

Miss Cicily Slug (pregnant!) All that I can say is that he seemed nice enough and for the life of me I cannot understand why he forced me to do those things. Sure I struggled and cried out, but he was so big and strong, I just never had a chance. Well yes, I did keep meeting him, but I was bored at home and my psychiatrist had told to get out and meet people, I just didn’t expect this to happen to me!

Uncle Slug (confused witness) Well, she’s me mate’s daughter, an’ I’ve watched her grow up. Yes she did take me an’ her Dad to the spot where she said it all happened – would ’a taken me an hour or so to make it there from her place, but she had us there in minutes! An out of the way spot, but I couldn’t help noticing that the place was covered in trails, some of ’em months old – I couldn’t help but wonder. Yeah – strange.

Cicily Slug’s Father Well yair, she was always a good girl, never ventured out from under our rock much. A girl goes off to see if her foot is developing properly, they have to leave home some time you know. We had noticed that she had suddenly got keen on exercise and was pleased to see her taking an interest in something – then this happens! I hope they catch the bastard! They’ve been out for a week checking the area for a good 50 centimetres around the spot where she said it happened.

Cicily’s Mother (outraged!) How can they say all these things about my daughter? We brought her up right, then some rotten slug comes along and takes advantage of her – fair makes your blood boil!

Les Leopard Slug (innocent victim?) I have known Cicily for quite some time, she used to sneak out and meet me after dark most nights. Terrific Bird! We used to get it on all the time till the night she told me that she had a ‘bun in the oven’ and was going to tell Mum and Dad! I had it figured that we were – well you know, different species, and she wouldn’t get knocked up – so I was wrong!
Yair, I knew that they were looking for me, I saw ’em several times, actually talked to them. Funny thing, it appears that she never noticed that I was covered in spots, it seems that they were looking for a plain little guy, half my size! Probably be a bit of a shock to ’em all if the kid comes out looking like me!

On the spot comments

Miss Garden Slug Well, I keep a darned good eye out in the dark places that I live, you can never tell what may be under the pot plant that you have chosen for shelter, but mainly I have found that man slugs are quite nice refined fellows, but I have heard my girlfriends telling stories that would fair curl your eye stalks!

Slug Housewife Yes! I’ve heard some of the neighbours talking about this rape thing, but the truth is, we know so little about the sex bit, that most of us wouldn’t know the difference between rape and some guy accidentally rubbing up against us!

Yet another court, yet another day again

Child witness (male) Yeah! I saw ’em at it, I watched for a long time, there they were, hangin’ from this tree, twistin’ an’ turnin’ and getting lower all the time. I tried hitten’ ’em with a stick, but they were up too high, I figured that the long string that they were hangin’ from would break, an’ I could stomp on ’em when they hit the ground, but it was near tea time, an’ I was getting hungry.

Sam ground Slug Yeah, well I’ve seen my distant relatives (tree slugs) at it for hours, can’t say that us ground dwellers approve – bloody exhibitionists! Yer see it, the poor lady tree slug running up the branch for her life, the male catches her and slimes her all over and then they hang from this string thing getting ever longer, the lady screaming at the top of ’er voice – twisting, turning, struggling, writhing – makes you feel like tearing up there an’ helping her, but I sticks to me own business. Can’t help but wonder though?

Lady Tree Slug Yes, that’s how it happened, he raced up and caught me, and yes, the twisting and turning bit. I guess I did cry out a lot, it seemed to go on for hours, and then we fell! I tell you one thing, I’m determined to go back on that same branch again, have to face your fears and all that sort of thing, but next time I will be staying at least 50 millimetres away from That Spot!

Male Tree Slug (the accused) Can’t say that I remember that particular time, but I’ll bet you anything that the next time I climb up on my favourite branch, there’ll be at least a couple of ’em waiting for me!

On the spot street comment

Slug Parents We did it! They did it! The kids will do it, there will always be someone screaming bloody rape!