When God created women

When God created women, He took a little punt,
He made them soft and pointy instead of flat in front.
Where Adam had been cheeky and a well advanced design,
He felt that extra padding, would improve on Eve’s behind!

The lack of a design team, meant certain tiny flaws!
A gait that always wobbled, and chatter without pause;
But this was all well hidden, behind a cute facade,
Of gentle curves and roundness, to put men off their guard!

The early models proved to be a reasonable success!
They learned to cook and nurture kids and shoulder heavy loads,
They cleaned the cave and fought off lions, when hubby was abroad;
They always seemed to work quite well, with almost no reward,
A casual look, a gentle pat, from Him, their Sovereign Lord!

And so it was for many moons, just Adam and his mate;
The sun was warm, the grass was green, and kids just kept a’coming!
There was ne’er a thought of future years,
Of cars and planes, or plumbing!

But then things started changing, the world no longer flat!
The women started thinking! and even answering back!!
The men were not discouraged, ‘It’s just a passing phase,
We’ll give them all a bit more rope, until they quiet down,
a couple of extra bones to chew, a softer skin for best;
We’ll cut ourselves some bigger clubs, and take some well earned rest!’

Well none of this appeared to work, the world was changing fast!
With women wanting voting rights, and no longer walking last!
The men all came to realise, the easy days were gone,
And winds of change were blowing, but where had they gone wrong?

And so there were concessions, just little ones at first;
The women gained a point or two – this only whet their thirst!
The quiet revolution became a thund’rous roar!
A few years passed, we’d dropped our guard and ended on the floor!

There’s not much point in moaning, the whole thing’s history now,
And Darwin’s evolution bit, has dealt it’s hardest blow;
We should’a fought to stay on top, the whole darned thing is clear,
You give an inch, they take a mile! and quickly disappear!

You catch right up and state your case, the male! point of view!
and then it really hits you! The race has long been over;
the playing field is LEVEL! the girls are all in clover!

The Gods they must be laughing, it’s happened like they planned!
We’ve always had the story wrong, they had us pegged for certs,
The Mob upstairs in charge of things,
Are surely wearing skirts!

Our interesting women

The Good Book always tells us, when Adam was a boy,
He dreamed of having company, to bring him further joy!
A mirror of his rugged self, was all his mind could see,
And so he took a useless rib, a Miracle ’twould be!

The end results alarmed him! He’d somehow got it wrong;
instead of brawn and muscle, IT was slim, but bloody strong!!
It’s funny how a girl, has quite a different shape,
With gentle curves and roundness, that make men look MISTAKES!!

Now Evelyn was a lusty maid, her bag of tricks was full!
Our lonely lad had ne’er a chance (a problem with us still),
A move to upper Eden appeared to be the way,
A place of snakes and apples, both harmless so they say!

Well! Adam had his playmate, she seemed a cheerful sort,
But not so good at hurling rocks, and other manly sports.
Of course she had the answer, as yet an unknown theme,
That first bite from forbidden fruit, must have turned the serpent green!!

We’ve all been offered apples, and accepted them with joy,
It matters not the slightest, if the vendor’s girl or boy.

And so the human race was built, on love, deceit and wars!
With Adams and their gorgeous Eves, a’rolling ’round the floors!
And as our race developed, through trouble in the past,
The boys were always fastest, but the girls were made to LAST!!!

The Tower of Babel buggered things, they scattered far and wide,
And for a while they had some peace, they had such busy lives
And through all this the women, were slowly making gains,
They planned in fields and harems, in many distant lands.

Of course they always held the power, behind closed bedroom doors,
And no one would admit it, but it always helped their cause!
It’s said that some deserted, and lived in Amazon,
They took some lads for breeding! No mugs this female throng!

They knew in time they’d rule the world, their power was building fast,
And all this time the men rolled on, a’living in the past;
They were busy fighting wars, and killing all their neighbours,
The wimmin’ folk just stayed at home, and went about their labours.

And in the world of Rugrats and all about the town,
The boys all made the biggest noise, but the girls they won. Hands down!!
A woman’s wiles are many, we read them just like books;
But when we get to learn a page, it’s outdated like their looks!

A man is just a piece of clay, to bend and mould at will,
With cunning tricks of Nature, and smiles that hold you still;

Through all of this the men grew strong, and led high profile lives,
And kept their biggest secret; their soft but powerful wives!
The media was weak those days, no daily tales of slaughter,
You never knew what happened to the guys across the water!!

Around the world there’s rebels, the guys who’ve broken ranks;
And put on bras’ and stockings, and changed what’s in their PANTS!!!
Their motives are elusive, But! As any girl will know,
They’ll never make the elite ranks, of WOMEN on the GO!!!!!

Charlotte

Her family were proud, and as poor as church mice,
At her mother’s knee, she was given this advice,
I don’t want to learn, that my daughter’s rich and fat;
And earning her living, from laying on her back!

She was only a child, and didn’t really understand,
And so took to earning, her living on the land,
She tried it as a milk maid, a pretty little thing;
And made it with a farmer’s son, and had a little fling!

Chamber maid was next, she found her master kind,
But he was old and devious, and grabbed her from behind!
The mistress was quite angry, and made it very plain!
So it was off to London, where a seamstress she became.

Her working hours were long, and filled with sordid offers!
None of them seemed pleasant, or would fill the family coffers.
So she sold pretty flowers, from a Chelsea stall,
And suffered pushy customers, who pinned her ’gainst the wall!

A boat took her to Italy, amidst a craven crew,
She made it to Verona, where some gentlemen she knew,
Then she met Leonardo, Da Vinci was his name,
A very clever fellow, with quite a bit of fame.

He needed an assistant, with a little bit of skill,
He had a lofty ceiling, with some empty space to fill.
A paintbrush in her hand, she lived a life of ease,
Just filling in the backgrounds, and sometimes birds and trees.
So far she wasn’t rich, and certainly not fat!
But she was earning her living – just laying on her back!!!

Then one day she fell asleep, half way through a cloud,
She woke to violent rocking, with Leonardo on her blouse!
And so she finally learned what her mum was on about,
And she moved to genteel circles, where her skill was ne’er in doubt!

And all this came from working, as a lowly artist’s hack,
With skill in paints and colours, while laying on her back;
A house in the country, with coach and horses four,
A long winding staircase, and a butler at the door.

An endless stream of gentlemen, who paid her very well,
A liberated lifestyle, with no thought of going to Hell!
Pheasant on the table, peacocks on the lawns,
No thoughts of poor old mother, who treated her with scorn!

Somewhere there’s a moral, hidden in this tale,
A warning of the future, that’s seldom known to fail,
But Charlotte was a winner, and lived a long, long time,
Always trying to keep some space – between her bed and spine!!

Lonely heart

Oh, I’m in love with a lonely heart, I’ve yet to know her name,
She passes by and I hear her sigh. A vision, an angel, she knows not my pain.
I greet her, she turns, is it I that she sees? or a love now past that she mourns;
Her eyes meet mine and a new day is born, her smile a message so plain,
We linger and touch, our fingers explore, I’m alive! we are one, this is my hope;
Is there anything left to gain?
Ah yes sweet Love, it blossoms and binds us again and again!
Our Love will endure, as never before, our minds and bodies entwine,
and thus will we live, to the end of our days, a thread in the fabric of Time.

Valentine

Be my lovely Valentine but don’t get swept away!
I wear my heart upon my sleeve but I have feet of clay!
I’ve left a trail of broken hearts, I’ve oft been called a slob!
I’m not too fond of working and just can’t hold a job.

I know your face and figure, would launch a thousand ships!
But I’m the guy who lies in wait and sinks ’em off the slips!
I know that I’ve a casual look, that sucks you sheilas in;
Inviting you to a life of ease with just a trace of sin!
I have a thousand manly faults, but quite a few good features,
Some that drive you women wild – you sweet and lovely creatures!

Consider well before you choose, to be my mate for life,
The path ahead may well be rough, problems could be rife!
But, forget all this, and seize the moment,
Darling be my WIFE!

Eternal mothering!

Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen, the pain I’ve endured, the places I’ve been!
‘Take off that shirt! Its full of old holes, take a thick jumper, it’s sure to be cold…
Are you going to go, looking like that? At least you could shave – and please wear a hat!’

‘Tidy yourself up before you go, you’re sure to meet people – some that we know!
If you don’t get a move on, you’ll miss your train! Don’t take that road, it's full of spoon drains.
Don’t drive so fast, I’ll have fines to pay! Watch out for that truck! It may turn this way –
Take an umbrella, it’s going to rain, I don’t want to look after you, when you’re in pain.’

You threaten and cajole – you have sometimes implored!
All the advice that you give, almost always ignored.

Why do you bother? I’m a fully grown man, able to think, and live to a plan.
I’ve been breathing for years, without being told, and my legs keep on walking, although they feel old!
I don’t need improving, or help through my day,
Mum Nature made me, and I’m happy this way.
And when Peter calls me, I hope I can find,
That I’m standing alone, and can make the right choice,
Without any help – and I still own a voice!

Sex education, the old way

Me muther said, ‘It’s EVIL!’
Me teacher said ‘JUST DON’T!’
Me father said, ‘I’ll belt yer son!’
Me girlfriend said, ‘I WON’T!!’

Her girlfriend said, ‘Just come around, yer won’t regret a thing’;
Me little mate, said, ‘Go for it!’ and even seemed quite keen?!!

I said ‘I’m bloody scared – I’m just a simple lad’,
but in the end, I went – and found it not so bad.
Then this sheila told me girlfriend,
Who went and told me Dad!

I never copped the beltin’, and me girlfriend changed her mind,
Now I had her – and her girlfriend, to occupy my time!
I found I couldn’t keep it up, but the girlfriends never knew;
keeping two girls happy, was a thing I couldn’t do!
So I had to leave the district, and start my life anew